Are you no longer interested in dating anymore?
This is probably a question that you have pondered with for some time in the past. I’m sure a large majority of us have probably uttered a phrase similar to the following: “Am I cut out for monogamous relationships?”, or worse yet, “Are relationships even for me?”
You’ll be pleased to know that you’re not alone when making this assertion.
Even I have had fleeting thoughts akin to the above during some of the darkest days and shining moments of my life.
And this is precisely why I’m writing this blog post. I intend to answer a few pertinent questions that have been on my mind for a very long time, around the subject of dating and relationships.
Maybe relationships are not for you?
Quite an assertion to make I know, yet it is one that requires honest introspection into your characteristics and mannerisms.
Take a solid look at all of your past relationships and ask yourself the following questions:
- Were they handled with utmost care on your part?
- Did you continually strive to become a better person overtime during your relationships?
- Were you too open, too reserved, very argumentative, too meek, too independent or too clingy?
- Did you feel like you was putting in too much effort? Without getting the same efforts returned or at least appreciated?
- Were you taken for granted during your relationships?
Or maybe, your relationship died a slow death – feelings began to wither away and the relationship had sadly ran its course? A natural occurrence that just couldn’t have been avoided. Or maybe you was just with the wrong person altogether?
My reason for asking these thought-provoking questions is to make a very clear point.
Relationships are not for everyone.
And even more importantly…
It’s perfectly fine if you’re not interested in dating anymore due to the added societal pressures and expectations which come along when dating or in a relationship.
Despite being in a loving relationship myself, I can understand exactly why so many men and women have simply, given up.
Shock horror, I don’t believe everyone was meant to find their ‘OH’ – not everyone is suited towards selflessness and compromise.
However, by the same token not everyone can continue to wear their heart on the sleeve as it gets torn to shreds right in front of them.
Simply put, I can see why people are not interested in dating if all their experiences have only resulted in:
- Losing their home, children and assets
- Having their heart ripped out, stamped on and buried
- Being treated like a cancer inducing individual
- Feeling trapped in a shell due to continuous ridicule and torment
For some people, relationships won’t bring anything but misery into their lives. And this may be due to their behaviour, actions and/or beliefs about relationships, and what they signify.
Looking at the most popular statistic; 42-50% of marriages end in divorce. A scary figure no doubt, but this has helped me understand and cultivate my own reasons for wanting to enter a relationship both in the past and in the future.
What’s the point of dating and relationships?
When I was young, dumb and immature – I had this belief that relationships, marriage, children and monogamy were an absolute necessity in life.
During my teens I treated this as if it was a rudimentary aspect of being an adult in the 21st century, and the next step in life; ‘the right direction’, if you will.
Hand on heart I couldn’t give you a single, honest, intrinsic motivational factor for why I got involved in relationships.
Everybody else was doing it, so I figured that I might as well do so too…
This was augmented by the fact that my life didn’t have a purpose, and therefore neither did my relationships. I was doing it “just because” – there was no autonomous thinking behind it.
For you it might be different. Relationships might be the bread and butter of your existence and happiness – and thus it is a requirement for you to feel ‘whole’ and ‘complete’.
Understanding what you want from a relationship has become more important than ever. However, becoming crystal clear on what you intend to provide, will make the process of finding the right person even easier.
Many people talk amongst their friends and peers about what a man or woman must have in order for them to be considered date-able or marriageable. He must be:
- Confident…but not arrogant
- Earn good money to support them
- Have the same music taste
- Come from a particular socioeconomic background
Not once have I witnessed a group of people talk about what they can provide to others, or how they intend to strengthen and improve the relationship as time goes on.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does make me question the reasons behind why some select individuals get into a relationship in the first place.
Is personal gain and self-fulfillment the main goal? If it is, then maybe you should stop dating.
It isn’t for you.
I feel that people are making their love lives harder because they continue to place more and more obstacles in front of themselves and their happiness.
Heavy expectations leads to a lack of appreciation of what one has. This lack of appreciation will then lead to entitlement which results in perpetual disappointment and unhappiness.
This is why I’m very wary of any internal checklists that I may have unintentionally created. In fact, I think that it is better to banish them completely from your mental make-up, and to focus on getting to know people extremely well instead.
Going back to what I was talking about earlier: a relationship just simply isn’t for everyone.
How can a relationship work if you’re just too independent to such a degree, that you won’t let anyone do anything for you?
How can a relationship work if you have no intention of trying to become a better person – whether that be physically, emotionally,or mentally?
In other words, what is the point of a relationship if you don’t want it to grow and flourish into something that can make you smile each day?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to invest a lot of resources and make many sacrifices including:
- Your time
- Your money
- A lot of mental and physical energy
Simply put, the nature of most relationships will only break you down as your experiences have taught you.
However on the other side, some people don’t deserve to have healthy relationships purely because they lack the essential qualities required to make it work.
Characteristics Required For A Successful Relationship
Some people just can’t compromise with others.
They want loving relationships but they want to control everything in the process.
Unfortunately for them, having 100% control and a monopoly over your partner is a form of oppression and a bad structure to build a relationship on top of.
So what would I suggest is a strong structure? Primarily one that is built with trust, honesty and respect.
As you know there are many attributes and traits required to make a relationship successful, so here I have listed a few vital qualities that I feel are absolutely necessary to make a relationship work.
- Effective Communication
- Willingness to better yourself
- Willingness to help your partner become a better person
- Longstanding Support
- Show genuine appreciation
- Readiness to love
Even if you possess all of these traits, your relationships may still end up in resounding failure.
This is partly why more and more people are not interested in dating anymore.
It’s too much work.
Why Are Relationships So Difficult?
Relationships are by and large a volatile, hazardous, dynamic component of a balanced life. By the same token however, they can be harmonious structures that can make a positive impact on one’s life.
Compared with our physical health, mental health, and even our working lives – relationships provide the least opportunity and room for autonomy.
Why is this?
Simply because there is another person involved, and every action and inaction you make, contributes towards this changing dynamic ever so slightly.
To illustrate this a little better, think of a pie chart with 6 parts. 5 of those parts make up a certain % of the entire pie – they’re not equal in value, but the amount they contribute is fixed.
The relationship part is always changing – one minute it is balanced, the next minute it is out of control. There is no stability or control measure.
In fact, sometimes the actions of others (your partner), may cause you to lose the balance you worked so hard to attain with the other 5 components, that may result in you losing focus on your goals and aspirations.
This is why it is vitally important that you chose the right person to share your life with.
Another reason why relationships as a concept is so difficult to balance, is because almost everyone has a different way of approaching relationships. From the initial meeting, to marriage, name-changing, child-bearing and work/paternity issues.
Despite what western society tells us, there is a massive grey area with regards to beliefs about relationships.
“How many days should I wait before contacting him?”
“Should I make the first move?”
“Will I come across as needy if I send consecutive texts?”
“Should I move in with her?”
“When is the perfect time for me to bring up the idea of marriage?”
Looking at all five of these questions, there is no real consensus on how to approach these scenarios. What is received well by one person, could be a complete turn-off by another.
For me, I see a relationship as a strong union between two or more people. Where the focus is not based on how much we have in common, or how much initial chemistry there may be – but rather how can we grow as a unit, how can we become better people – who strive to lead better, fulfilled lives.
Don’t let anyone make you feel inferior for not wanting to fall into the wild goose chase of dating and relationships. It’s simply may not be your cup of tea.